Here’s something most people don’t know about me. (Yeah, I’m coming right out of the gate with that.) I have struggled with self-doubt for many, many years. You’re probably thinking, “honey, we all are.” And you’re right. So many doubt they are smart enough, pretty enough, fast enough, clever enough, fit enough, funny enough, lovable enough, doing enough. So many doubt they are worthy of greatness.
I can easily provide proof that those doubts are facts. I can tell you story after story about screwing up, how I was treated, the number of times I was dismissed, names I was called, and snarky conversations that made their way to me. My heart and mind gathered each instance of nastiness—from my childhood to just recently—and made them factual reasons why I needed to work harder, do better, be better. Over and over again.
Now wait a minute, I’m a successful, award-winning, team-building, business-growing, executive-leading woman who loves the Lord, has a lot of friends, a great marriage, and amazing children. It doesn’t look like any of that crappy self-doubt stopped me. Outwardly, it didn’t. Inside, however, the turmoil exhausted my mind and hurt my heart.
Those beliefs about not being enough came out in the form of poor sleep and physical pain. I often felt heavy and even numb. Anger came quick (having intense shouting matches in my head). Defensiveness was my go-to, assuming people were trying to catch me in the act of being stupid. I let any slightly negative or questioning tone cripple my mind. Disappointment was never far behind when an expectation (or hope) wasn’t met. I believed booze made me and any situation better and more fun. I just knew people were indifferent about me. Whether I made a mistake or not, I owned it all as if I were the nitwit people thought I was.
The thing is, I didn’t know that self-doubt was consuming me nor that it was the reason I felt lost. It lived so predominantly in my soul that it just was. I knew I struggled with having inner peace, but I wasn’t sure what that meant or how to find it. I just figured I wasn’t doing life right.
Still, I grew my career and home life by working hard and always thinking a step or two beyond the obvious or immediate need. Outwardly you’d see a driven woman who was smiling and always willing. I am a learner and studied about leadership, motherhood, and marriage through all the best self-help books, podcasts, and meme’s a girl could find. Some things stuck and helped me grow, obviously; yet I kept circling back to a place of defensiveness and the feeling like I’m just not fully loved and respected. I felt like I had to keep learning, work even harder, and try this or that to fill this unnamed gap in my life. I was always seeking.
I was completely unaware that I was sabotaging situations and turning them into an internal fight. I had no idea that those reactions were because of the lies my subconscious believed to be true. I couldn’t see how much control they had over me until I got to the point of total self-frustration. I was tired of circling back to the fight for a place at the table, to be noticed and respected. I actually gave myself a WTF.
And that’s the moment my life changed.
I asked a different question. My ever-standing question was, “how can I be better?” Instead, this time I asked, “why do I always end up in this place of anger and hurt?” I saw that I was my own problem, that it was cyclical, and got my leadership coach involved because I couldn’t see the answer on my own. That’s when I learned about limiting beliefs.
Friends, my mind was blown. I learned I have a choice in what I believe, and what I believed (in various areas of my life) was coming from a place of so many years of hurt. Because those beliefs were deep-rooted, and I was unaware of their powerful existence, I was matching myself with people and situations that continuously made me feel like I wasn’t enough. I was only seeing the bad (and often manifesting the bad).
So I went to work.
I was curious how my actions and reactions in all the areas of life —money, home, spirituality, friendships, career, fun—were driven by lies which my mind turned into truths. I dissected every section and laid out all the examples of times that left me feeling angry or like a dirt bag. It was interesting how easily those examples of hurt flowed from my mind. I then carefully thought about what those areas would look like if I chose a different belief about myself and moved beyond the limitations I previously placed upon myself (or that I accepted from others). I saw with new eyes how many situations weren’t at all the negatively charged instances I had created in my mind.
I wanted to cry. Okay, I did cry. I cried a movie-worthy ugly cry down a (thankfully) lonely road as I walked and gave up the control I was under. I prayed for clarity on what to do next. I heard, “LeAnn, you already are. So be.” It was the message I had been waiting to hear my whole life. Yes, we are all meant to learn and grow, pivot and evolve continuously. And yet we are still enough.
I had been so intentional about learning and being a better person that I missed believing that I was already that person. I already was smart enough, pretty enough, fast enough, clever enough, fit enough, funny enough, lovable enough, doing enough. I am worthy of greatness, so own it and stop questioning it.
There were so many times that I was called names that I believed people were always calling me names behind my back. There were so many times that I was called stupid or ridiculed that I always felt like I just wasn’t that smart. There were so many other instances where people said things about me that I just believed to be accurate. My thoughts were programmed in doubt, so I was in this subconscious loop that co-created feelings I didn’t want.
Once I stopped and dug in, I discovered even more times when people said great and loving things to me, but I ignored them. Even though I have forgiven those that hurt me and forgiven myself for when I’ve hurt others, it still didn’t stop me from allowing those lies to settle in and become the truth. I didn’t know that was a thing happening subconsciously.
And now that I know, I can’t unsee it. I am more creative, collaborative, and brave. On the outside, I may seem the same, but it is so, so different in my head. I feel peace, the fatigue is gone, and my drive is ever-present.
Here’s the funny thing, my word for the year is choice. I have a choice. That word was placed on my heart for a reason. I needed to learn that those beliefs—the lies—were my choice to believe. And it’s also my choice to trust my intuition, experience, integrity, and love for others. It’s my choice to remove the blinders I was living behind and see the proof of positive love rather than negative doubt. It’s my choice to act from a place where I own who I am, my strengths, gifts, and their unique combination that makes me me.
I am fiercely inspired to live a deeper purpose. I want to help others become aware of the invisible chains that hold so many of us back, make us act small, and cause us to suffer in silence. I want to help others see the lies, put a stop to believing in those lies, and choose to believe in themselves so they can live their joy-filled lives.
To put that inspiration into action, I started an online mastermind called ViveYOU. It’s a 5-week virtual small community of women where we’ll address those feelings of questioning, emptiness, and desire for more. If you are interested in joining a small group community or would just like to understand more, please send me an email at LCase@TheViveX.com.
In the meantime, just pause.
When you feel that heaviness, a desire to get defensive, or want to hide or justify the reason not to go for it, know that something else is at play. It is likely a lie.
- Pause and be intentional about reflecting on why you are feeling or thinking that way. What’s the real root in that area of your life that is causing you to rate yourself poorly?
- Set and take one action step that will move the needle toward greatness instead of limitation. Do that by determining what success in that area looks like and look for positive examples from your life that support that picture. Do not be humble here. List all of the examples.
- List a memory in that area that you would like to let go of. It could be a belief about yourself that isn’t serving you, or maybe it’s a belief you have about someone else. Replace that disempowering memory with one that is forgiving and filled with courage.
We all have a choice, friends. We can choose to see other people and situations in a way that is filled with empathy and curiosity rather than with a defensive posture built from years of hurt. We can